Being hard on yourself seems like good motivation when losing weight, but research shows the opposite: people who are kinder to themselves stick to healthy habits better and overeat less after a slip-up. Self-compassion is therefore not softness or an excuse, it is a strategy that works.
I'm Fajah and for years I was my own strictest coach. I thought I had to stay sharp, otherwise I'd slack off. Only when I started dealing with my thoughts differently did things get better for good. I'll come back to that later. First the science.
What is self-compassion?
Researcher Kristin Neff describes self-compassion as having three components (Neff, 2003):
- Kindness towards yourself instead of harsh judgement when something goes wrong.
- Common humanity: realising that failing and struggling are part of everyone's life.
- Mindfulness: noticing your pain or feeling without drowning in it.
What does research show about self-compassion and eating?
Overshooting less after a slip-up
In a well-known experiment, women who watched their eating strictly were given a donut to eat. Some of them then received a self-compassionate message, for example that everyone indulges sometimes. In a subsequent taste test, this group ate fewer sweets than the group without that message (Adams & Leary, 2007). So guilt drove the overeating, not the donut itself.
More motivation to do better
You'd think being kind makes you lazy. The opposite turned out to be true: after a failure, people with a self-compassionate attitude were actually more motivated to do better next time (Breines & Chen, 2012).
Healthier habits
A meta-analysis shows that more self-compassion goes together with healthier habits, such as eating, sleeping and dealing with stress better (Sirois, Kitner & Hirsch, 2015). That link doesn't mean self-compassion causes everything, but the direction is consistent.
Why does being hard on yourself so often backfire?
Self-criticism puts your body into stress mode. Guilt and shame feel unpleasant, and many people then look for comfort in food. This creates a loop: eating, guilt, strictness, new cravings. This fits with what I wrote about eating as suppressing feelings and emotional eating.
How do you practise self-compassion?
- Talk to yourself like you would to a friend. Would you scold her after a slip-up? Then don't say to yourself what you would never say to her.
- Use the 60-second pause. Put your hand on your chest, breathe calmly and say: this is a difficult moment. I'm doing my best.
- Ask the question: what do I need now? Often it isn't food, but rest, connection or boundaries.
- Write down what you learned. Not what went wrong, but what you want to do differently next time.
This is not a free pass to do nothing. It is the foundation on which change can last. Also read self-sabotage when losing weight and losing weight starts in your head.
How does this fit into my approach?
In my 6-month 1-on-1 programme this is a common thread: we break patterns instead of adjusting with strictness. You can read more about losing weight with guidance in the weight loss coach guide. Want to know if it suits you? Leave your details via 1-on-1 coaching and Fleur will call you.
Frequently asked questions about self-compassion and weight loss
Does self-compassion help with losing weight?
Research shows that self-compassion goes together with healthier habits and less overshooting after a slip-up. So it is a useful addition to a plan, not a replacement for it.
Is self-compassion the same as making excuses for yourself?
No. Self-compassion means looking honestly at what happened, without tearing yourself down, and then moving on.
How do you train self-compassion?
By talking to yourself more kindly, taking short pauses in difficult moments and asking what you need at that moment. It is a skill you can practise.
Why do I keep eating when I feel guilty?
Guilt and shame create stress, and eating can bring temporary relief. This creates a vicious circle. Self-compassion can break it.
Sources
- Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: an alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101.
- Adams, C. E., & Leary, M. R. (2007). Promoting self-compassionate attitudes toward eating among restrictive and guilty eaters. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 26(10), 1120-1144.
- Breines, J. G., & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(9), 1133-1143.
- Sirois, F. M., Kitner, R., & Hirsch, J. K. (2015). Self-compassion, affect, and health-promoting behaviors. Health Psychology, 34(6), 661-669.
About Fajah Lourens
Fajah is the founder of Killerbody (since 2015), the author of books of which more than 350,000 copies have been sold in total, and an NLP practitioner.
So I'm going to help you.
