In recent years, I've been busy researching why I couldn't and didn't want to keep a man. I discovered it was a mix of causes: insecure attachment, family systems, my need for control, etc. I tackled these themes one by one. At some point, I even went to couples therapy by myself. From therapy to coaching, to hypnosis, plant medicine, courses… I’ve pulled out all the stops in the past four years. I approached it thoroughly, even made a podcast about it myself: Fajah explores love and it worked.
A different kind of man
A year and a half ago, there was a different kind of man. A man I didn't have to fix, a man who didn't need to show me off, a man who wasn't looking for a mother, an equal man. It felt somewhat unfamiliar at first, but soon it felt amazing.
Fighting safely and being myself
With this man, I discovered a few things. I can be myself, and that feels safe. That also meant that arguments were safe, without having to immediately fear endless days of being ignored or rejection. I also discovered within myself that there were days when I didn't enjoy it as much, and that I could have some more negative thoughts about the relationship. But on the other hand, I also discovered that some days I was head over heels in love and then I was on top of the world.
This had to do with my female hormones. Something I had truly never spent time on. Until now. Because I want to preserve this relationship at all costs. Fajah investigates: hormones, the new series was a fact, and I learned an enormous amount about female hormones and the mood swings women sometimes experience. PMS, or: Partner Meets Satan.
PMS on vacation
I still vividly remember having a PMS week and my boyfriend thinking: what's happening here? Where did the loving, reasonable Fajah go? I accused him of not putting the glasses neatly in the cupboard, of walking too slowly, and his breathing annoyed me.
Luckily, my boyfriend is a stable guy who didn't get triggered, but he didn't understand. On July 3rd, my birthday, I was surprised with an amazing trip to Bali. Nothing was missing. Monkeys in the garden, delicious food, but I actually wanted to cry in bed. I felt unhappy, tried to feel happy but just couldn't. And sex? I didn't even want to think about it. I thought: damn, are we really in this 5-star room? I couldn't even imagine it, and I felt so guilty about it.
I checked my cycle app and sure enough: we were on vacation during PMS. I can tell you, once you realize that, a weight is immediately lifted off your shoulders. Oh good, that's it. Which also brightens your mood.
Living according to your wife's cycle
My boyfriend actually came up with the idea: "Let's write a book: living according to your wife's cycle." Rule 1: no vacation during PMS. We laughed about it, and that's how these cards came about. It hasn't become a book (yet), because men don't necessarily read an entire tome about a woman. I thought: I'll keep it simple, a day-by-day guide.
It was a wonderful process during which I learned even more about myself. I still remember the moment I asked my boyfriend to check the spelling and he asked me, I don't understand this card. Explain what you mean here? There's a problem and all I have to do is listen? Not solve anything?"
Uh, no.
Oh, okay...
And so we went through all the cards one by one, with laughter and tears. My boyfriend loves day 14: ovulation day. I think many men think: menstruating and not menstruating. But believe me, men: a world will open up to you. If you learn about a woman's cycle, luck will be on your side, you'll improve your relationship, and you'll increase intimacy. For everything, there is a time and a moment.
Pre-order the cards: Living according to her cycle (release December 29)
With my need for control, I put a lot of work into these cards. I wanted gold so that you truly hold gold in your hands, because that's how it feels to me. I wanted something beautiful, so you can also give it as a gift. I am incredibly proud of the result. It has humor, wisdom, and exciting cards. Please let me know what it will mean for your relationship.
